<!--
/*
	Random Jokes
	Copyright (c) 2003 Dotty Products
	Created by Doogle Smile
	Jokes by other people
*/

joke = new Array();
var c=0;

function randomjoke(){ // Draw one of the jokes picked at random
	for(i=0;i<c;i++){
		document.write("<span class=small>"+joke[i]+"</span></td></tr><tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr><tr><td>");
	}
}

joke[c++] = "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?<br>We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ";
joke[c++] = "To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.<br>That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say,<br>'Sorry, got these sacks.' ";
joke[c++] = "The face of a child can say it all,<br>especially the mouth part of the face. ";
joke[c++] = "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.'<br>And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,<br>'Probably because of something you did.' ";
joke[c++] = "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ";
joke[c++] = "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.<br>And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy.<br>Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ";
joke[c++] = "If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,<br>I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ";
joke[c++] = "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.<br>And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ";
joke[c++] = "I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,<br>because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. ";
joke[c++] = "Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you,<br>which is why I don't like to read good books. ";
joke[c++] = "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.<br>But then I got curious about it.<br>I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ";
joke[c++] = "Broken promises don't upset me.<br>I just think, why did they believe me? ";
joke[c++] = "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:<br>why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? ";

joke[c++] = "Why does the 'Danger Quick Sand' sign never sink?";
joke[c++] = "Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ";
joke[c++] = "What do they call a male ladybird? ";
joke[c++] = "Why are wrong numbers never busy? ";
joke[c++] = "Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there? ";
joke[c++] = "Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? ";
joke[c++] = "How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? ";
joke[c++] = "If police station is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? ";
joke[c++] = "If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? ";
joke[c++] = "If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do the Americians drive on parkways and park on driveways? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?";
joke[c++] = "You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? ";
joke[c++] = "If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, will it make a sound? ";
joke[c++] = "When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? ";
joke[c++] = "If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell them that they have the right to remain silent? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is the word abbreviation so long? ";
joke[c++] = "What's another word for thesaurus? ";
joke[c++] = "When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? ";
joke[c++] = "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? ";
joke[c++] = "How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? ";
joke[c++] = "Do clowns taste funny?";
joke[c++] = "When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ";
joke[c++] = "Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? ";
joke[c++] = "When they messed up the design for the drawing board, what did they go back to? ";
joke[c++] = "What was the best thing before sliced bread? ";
joke[c++] = "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill him/her self, is it considered a hostage situation? ";
joke[c++] = "When sign makers go on strike, what do they carry? ";
joke[c++] = "Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'? ";
joke[c++] = "Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do we say 'redheaded' but not 'brownheaded' or 'blondeheaded'? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? ";
joke[c++] = "When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is it called 'rush hour' when everyone is moving so slow. ";
joke[c++] = "If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? ";
joke[c++] = "If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do we always say thunder and lightning when the lightning comes first? ";
joke[c++] = "If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ";
joke[c++] = "Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? ";
joke[c++] = "What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? ";
joke[c++] = "In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? ";
joke[c++] = "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? ";
joke[c++] = "If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?";
joke[c++] = "Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosylabic'? ";
joke[c++] = "If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?";
joke[c++] = "Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is chilli so hot? ";
joke[c++] = "If fish spend their entire lives in schools why are they so stupid? ";
joke[c++] = "Is it ok to listen to an AM radio station in the afternoon? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do they call them a backyard when most are more than 3 feet long? ";
joke[c++] = "Why does Life Insurance only pay off if you die? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do they call them buildings when they are already built? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do you pay tolls on a Freeway?";
joke[c++] = "Why does a Rabbit bring Easter Eggs and not a Chicken? ";
joke[c++] = "How young can you be and still die of old age? ";
joke[c++] = "Do you think the folks on Death Row really hate it when they move the clocks ahead each spring?";
joke[c++] = "How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow road sign? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one? ";
joke[c++] = "If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends? ";
joke[c++] = "Why do they call it a one night stand...who's standing?";
joke[c++] = "If dolphins are so smart why do they swim near tuna nets? ";
joke[c++] = "How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink? ";
joke[c++] = "Why is 'shorter' a longer word than 'short'? ";
joke[c++] = "How do we know 'Dyslexia' is spelled right? ";
joke[c++] = "Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? ";

joke[c++] = "Two Parrots sat on a perch, one said to the other<br>'Do you smell fish?'";
joke[c++] = "Two nuns sat on a park bench, a flasher ran by.<br>One nun had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.";
//joke[c++] = "What's funnier than a dead baby?<br>A dead baby in a clown suit.";
joke[c++] = "Two goldfish swimming in a tank<br>Goldfish 1: I don't know what I'm doing here I can't even drive!<br>Goldfish 2: Blimey! A talking goldfish!";
joke[c++] = "A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.<br>'Look at his todger,' says the man. 'It's massive!'<br>'Yes dear,' says the woman. 'But at least he's got your eyes.'";
joke[c++] = "What do you call a Manc lad in a filing cabinet?<br>Sorted!";
joke[c++] = "What did the Elephant say to the naked man?<br>How do you breathe through that thing?";
joke[c++] = "How many intelligent Arsenal fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>Both of them";
joke[c++] = "Why don't men have mid-life crisis?<br>They stay stuck in adolescence";
joke[c++] = "What's the difference between men and cheese?<br>Cheese matures";
joke[c++] = "A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Debbie, pack your things girl, I just won the lottery!'<br>'Shall I pack for warm or cold weather?' asks Debbie.<br>'I don't care,' the man responds. 'Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'";
joke[c++] = "A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.<br>The officer in charge looked at the photo she handed them, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.<br>'Yes,' she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all.'";
joke[c++] = "Joe still enjoyed chasing girls even when he got to be 70. When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered,<br>'Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive.'";
joke[c++] = "One guy to another: 'I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always.'";
joke[c++] = "Did you hear about the new 'Divorced Barbie?'<br>It comes with all Ken's stuff!";
joke[c++] = "Two business men were having lunch one day when two women entered the restaurant.<br>'Damn,' said one. 'My wife and my lover have just walked in.'<br>'Bugger,' said the other one. 'So have mine!'";
joke[c++] = "A women goes into a clothes shop. 'Can I try that dress on in the window please?' she asks.<br>'I'm sorry madam,' replies the shop assistant, 'but you'll have to use the changing-rooms like everyone else.'";
joke[c++] = "Van Gogh goes into a pub and his mate asks if he wants a drink.<br>'No thanks,' replies Vincent, 'I've got one ear.'";
joke[c++] = "Why did the Siamese twins move to France?<br>So the other one could learn to drive.";
joke[c++] = "What's the difference between a small blue whale and a great white whale?<br>Size and colour.";
joke[c++] = "What's the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?<br>The 747 stops whining when it gets to Majorca";
joke[c++] = "Why do Essex girls only get half an hour for lunch?<br>So they don't have to be retrained when they get back.";
//joke[c++] = "Why did the website visitor click this link -&gt; <a href='../members/the_egg.html' target='_blank'>Click Me</a>?<br>To load a secret page!";
joke[c++] = "Why do men get paid twice as much as a woman to complete the same job?<br>Because the woman can do it right first time.";
joke[c++] = "Two flies were on a lavatory seat.<br>One got p#ssed off.";
joke[c++] = "Man: Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow!<br>Doctor: How do you feel?<br>Man: A little down in the mouth.";
joke[c++] = "Did you hear about the paranoid with low self esteem?<br>He thought that nobody important was out to get him.";
joke[c++] = "Man: Doctor, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Can you help?<br>Doctor: Ah yes, you appear to be suffering Tom Jones Syndrome.<br>Man: Is it rare?<br>Doctor: Well... it's not unusual.";
joke[c++] = "How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>Two, the trick is in getting them in there.";
joke[c++] = "What goes, 'Marc, Marc?'<br>A dog with a hare lip.";
joke[c++] = "How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say 'F#ck'?<br>Shout 'Bingo!'";
joke[c++] = "What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?<br>You can negotiate with a terrorist.";
joke[c++] = "Did you hear about the devil worshipping dyslexic?<br>He sold his soul to Santa.";
joke[c++] = "Why are Elephants large, grey and wrinkled?<br>Have you ever tried ironing one?";
joke[c++] = "Why are Elephants large, grey and wrinkled?<br>Because if they were small white and smooth they'd be aspirin?";
joke[c++] = "What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer?<br>There are skid-marks in front of the skunk.";
joke[c++] = "What do you call a scouser in a suit?<br>The accused.";
joke[c++] = "Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?<br>He bought a warehouse.";
joke[c++] = "On cup final day a massive crowd is approaching Wembley when a funeral procession goes past. Seeing this, one bloke takes off his hat and stands motionless for a moment before moving on.<br>'That was a nice thing to do' said his mate.<br>'Well,' said the bloke, 'she was a good wife to me.'";
joke[c++] = "An Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman are talking in a pub...<br>The Englishman says \"My first son was born on Saint George's Day so we named him George\"<br>The Scotsman says \"That's weird, our first son was born on Saint Andrew's Day so we named him Andrew\"<br>The Irishman says \"Incredible! - Just wait until I get home and tell our Pancake!\"";

joke[c++] = "Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.";
joke[c++] = "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.";
joke[c++] = "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.";
joke[c++] = "Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.";
joke[c++] = "My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.";
joke[c++] = "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.";
joke[c++] = "Best file compression around: \"DEL *.*\" = 100% compression";
joke[c++] = "The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.";
joke[c++] = "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.";
joke[c++] = "BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding";
joke[c++] = "BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!";
joke[c++] = "It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.";
joke[c++] = "Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...";
joke[c++] = "Every solution breeds new problems.";
joke[c++] = "As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.";
joke[c++] = "Two wrongs are only the beginning.";
joke[c++] = "Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...";
joke[c++] = "All computers wait at the same speed.";
joke[c++] = "DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.";
joke[c++] = "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.";
joke[c++] = "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.";
joke[c++] = "If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.";
joke[c++] = "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.";
joke[c++] = "If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.";
joke[c++] = "Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.";
joke[c++] = "Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.";
joke[c++] = "Mother nature is a bitch.";
joke[c++] = "Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.";
joke[c++] = "Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.";
joke[c++] = "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.";
joke[c++] = "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.";
joke[c++] = "Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.";

joke[c++] = "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.";
joke[c++] = "Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?";
joke[c++] = "Give me ambiguity or give me something else.";
joke[c++] = "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!";
joke[c++] = "We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.";
joke[c++] = "Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.";
joke[c++] = "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!";
joke[c++] = "Did anyone see my lost carrier?";
joke[c++] = "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.";
joke[c++] = "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!";
joke[c++] = "He who laughs last thinks slowest!";
joke[c++] = "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.";
joke[c++] = "Save the whales, collect the whole set";
joke[c++] = "A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.";
joke[c++] = "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.";
joke[c++] = "There's too much blood in my alcohol system.";
joke[c++] = "Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.";
joke[c++] = "Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.";
joke[c++] = "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.";
joke[c++] = "I wont rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.";
joke[c++] = "Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.";
joke[c++] = "Double your drive space - delete Windows!";
joke[c++] = "What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?";
joke[c++] = "If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.";
joke[c++] = "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.";
joke[c++] = "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.";
joke[c++] = "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.";
joke[c++] = "Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.";
joke[c++] = "I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.";
joke[c++] = "Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.";
joke[c++] = "I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.";
joke[c++] = "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.";
joke[c++] = "Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.";
joke[c++] = "The gene pool could use a little chlorine.";
joke[c++] = "When there's a will, I want to be in it.";
joke[c++] = "Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?";
joke[c++] = "Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.";
joke[c++] = "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.";
joke[c++] = "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?";
joke[c++] = "All generalisations are false, including this one.";
joke[c++] = "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.";
joke[c++] = "C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.";
joke[c++] = "Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.";
joke[c++] = "Clap on! , Clap off! clap@#&$NO CARRIER ";
joke[c++] = "640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81";
joke[c++] = "90% of all statistics are made up";
joke[c++] = "A man needs a good memory after he has lied.";
joke[c++] = "A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.";
joke[c++] = "A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.";
joke[c++] = "Apple copyright 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve";
joke[c++] = "Apple Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.";
joke[c++] = "Bad knee, gotta run - Pat Buchanan to his draft board";
joke[c++] = "Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 6*4 do?";
joke[c++] = "Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out!";
joke[c++] = "Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.";
joke[c++] = "C++ should have been called B";
joke[c++] = "COINCIDENCE happens.";
joke[c++] = "Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!";
joke[c++] = "Careful.  We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin";
joke[c++] = "Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.";
joke[c++] = "Step aside when the universe says, 'Hot stuff coming through!'";
// Oh dear!
joke[c++] = "The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.";
joke[c++] = "A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.";
joke[c++] = "What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).";
joke[c++] = "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.";
joke[c++] = "A backward poet writes inverse.";
joke[c++] = "In a democracy it's your vote that counts;<br>In feudalism it's your Count that votes.";
joke[c++] = "She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.";
joke[c++] = "A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.";
joke[c++] = "If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.";
joke[c++] = "With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.";
joke[c++] = "Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.";
joke[c++] = "When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.";
joke[c++] = "The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.";
joke[c++] = "A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.";
joke[c++] = "You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.";
joke[c++] = "Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.";
joke[c++] = "He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.";
joke[c++] = "Every calendar's days are numbered.";
joke[c++] = "A lot of money is tainted.' Taint yours and 'taint mine.";
joke[c++] = "A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ";
joke[c++] = "He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ";
joke[c++] = "A plateau is a high form of flattery. ";
joke[c++] = "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ";
joke[c++] = "When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. ";
joke[c++] = "Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. ";
joke[c++] = "When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. ";
joke[c++] = "Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. ";
joke[c++] = "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ";
joke[c++] = "Acupuncture is a jab well done. ";
joke[c++] = "Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. ";

joke[c++] = "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'<br>I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"; 
joke[c++] = "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me \"Can you give me a lift?\"<br>I said \"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.\"";
joke[c++] = "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.<br>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.";
joke[c++] = "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.<br>He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'<br>I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'";
joke[c++] = "I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'<br>He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'<br>He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'";
joke[c++] = "So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'";
joke[c++] = "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'<br>And a voice said 'You are.'";
joke[c++] = "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'<br>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'";
joke[c++] = "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'<br>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'";
joke[c++] = "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.<br>And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.<br>Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."; 
joke[c++] = "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.<br>And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.<br>He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.<br>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'";
joke[c++] = "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!!' and everyone just stares at you.<br>But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.";
joke[c++] = "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.<br>I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'<br>He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'";
joke[c++] = "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.<br>I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'";
joke[c++] = "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.<br>They charged one and let the other one off.";
joke[c++] = "So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought \"That's a turtle disaster\".";
joke[c++] = "The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels.<br>I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.";
joke[c++] = "I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.";
joke[c++] = "Yes - Handel, who later teamed up with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors!";
joke[c++] = "I went to the video rental shop, and I said, \"I want to watch some videos\"<Br>He asked \"Do you want to watch Batman Forever?\"<br>I said \"No, just for a couple of hours....\"";
joke[c++] = "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle";
joke[c++] = "So, I went to this Indian restaurant, and this waiter came up to me and said, \"Curry OK?\". I said \"Well, maybe after I've eaten.\"" ;
joke[c++] = "I was in the casino, playing cards with my girlfriend who had fallen asleep.<br>This bloke came up to me and said, \"Poker?\".<br>\"Good idea!\"  I said";
joke[c++] = "I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought \"he's trying to pull a fast one\".";
joke[c++] = "So I said to this train driver \"I want to go to Paris\". He said \"Eurostar?\". I said \"I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin\".";
joke[c++] = "So I said to the Gym instructor \"Can you teach me to do the splits?\".<br>He said \"How flexible are you?\".<br>I said \"I can't make Tuesdays\".";
joke[c++] = "But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.<br>I can hardly contain myself.";
joke[c++] = "Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,<br>well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.<br>The fire brigade have tried everything.";
joke[c++] = "So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.";
joke[c++] = "So I said \"Do you want a game of Darts?\", he said \"OK then\",<br>I said \"Nearest to bull starts\".<br>He said \"Baa\", I said \"Moo\", he said \"You're closest\".";
joke[c++] = "You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.<br>I go out the night before and shoot the fox.";
joke[c++] = "The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.<br>I rang her up, I said \"Did you get my drift?\".";
joke[c++] = "So I went down the local supermarket, I said \"I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it\",<br>he said \"Those are pickled onions\".";
joke[c++] = "I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.<br>It was a bit choppy.";
joke[c++] = "So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says \"Your eyes sparkle like diamonds\".<br>I said \"Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck\".";
joke[c++] = "But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... One jar.";
joke[c++] = "Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.";
joke[c++] = "So this bloke says to me, \"Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?\"<br>I thought \"That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness\".";
joke[c++] = "You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.";
joke[c++] = "So I rang up British Telecom, I said \"I want to report a nuisance caller\",<br>he said \"Not you again\".";
joke[c++] = "And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.";
joke[c++] = "I saw a bloke playing \"Dancing Queen\" on the digeredoo. I thought \"thats abba-riginal\".";

joke[c++] = "Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says \"Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here\".";
joke[c++] = "A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\"";
joke[c++] = "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!";
joke[c++] = "AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.";
joke[c++] = "Who are the most decent people in the hospital?<br>The ultrasound people";
joke[c++] = "Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets.<br>Why should other planets be any different from this one?";
joke[c++] = "My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal.";
joke[c++] = "Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.";
joke[c++] = "If you don't go to other peoples funerals,<br>they won't go to yours.";
joke[c++] = "A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire.<br>The flames could be seen nearly three feet away.";
joke[c++] = "I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill.";
joke[c++] = "My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.";
joke[c++] = "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.<br>They're not laughing now.";
joke[c++] = "What's a geriatric?<br>A German footballer scoring three goals.";
joke[c++] = "I tend to sleep in the nude.<br>Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.";
joke[c++] = "I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.";
joke[c++] = "Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.";
joke[c++] = "I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,<br>but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.";
joke[c++] = "My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby.<br>She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.";

joke[c++] = "Warnings issued by the American military to their own troops<br><hr>";
joke[c++] = "'Aim towards the enemy.'<br>Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.";
joke[c++] = "'When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend.'<br>US Marine Corps.";
joke[c++] = "'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.<br>The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.'<br>USAF Ammo Troop.";
joke[c++] = "'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'<br>Infantry Journal.";
joke[c++] = "'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.<br>That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit.'<br>Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.";
joke[c++] = "'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'<br>U.S. Air Force Manual.";
joke[c++] = "'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'<br>Infantry Journal.";
joke[c++] = "'Tracers work both ways.'<br>US Army Ordnance.";
joke[c++] = "'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.'<br>Infantry Journal.";
joke[c++] = "'Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.'<br>Anon.";
joke[c++] = "'Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'<br>Your comrades.";
joke[c++] = "'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'<br>USAF Ammo Troop.";

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